Munchkin, modern-day dating codes and circuit breakers

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels—she never had bacon, did she?”

This is my roommate’s friend Ramona who’s talking. While I mention her, let me also mention that this morning I woke up to a trashed apartment. Trashed by five girls (including my roommates) and Captain ‘Stache (Meg’s man-friend). Of course, Ramona was the only one who spent the night… the rest left the apartment before any cleaning of the apartment started.

Dont tell me about your diet

Who knew being a maid was my new job. Unfortunately I don’t get paid or get a dramatic TV show on Prime-Time. In Meg’s defense, she helped me clean up this morning. I just wish I had been part of the mess making last night since I had to clean up this morning.

In any case, the last two days have been a bit crazy. On Thursday, I drove back home for my grandmother’s birthday and stayed the night with a friend, then spent the rest of Friday with Jefferson. Friday night on a date with Caesar (see Star Wars, Cookie Dough and California if you don’t know who they are).

Now I’m back in my apartment living room watching Meg, Lana and Meg’s friends (Cora and Ashton) play Munchkin–the dumbed down version of Dungeons and Dragons–while Suzi, Lana’s small dog, eats all of my cat’s food. Does counting backwards from ten really help? I’m trying to remind myself that there are way worse things in apartment life than cleaning, fixing the dishwasher and inadvertently supplying an animal that isn’t mine with food.

Where, oh where, is the wine? It’s almost 4pm. That’s close enough to an acceptable time to self-medicate, isn’t it?

Nobody's perfect

Also I haven’t seen Nala since 3am when she woke me up. She might me more judgmental of my room mates essentially playing Dungeons and Dragons Jr. than me.

But let’s talk real quick about my escapades with Jefferson and Caesar. Remember (this is to me and to you) that I am NOT looking for love, a boyfriend, a fling or a FWB. This is ‘A Year without Searching,’ but not necessarily a year without going out, flirting or fun. I’m simply not actively looking for love and refusing to feel lonely because I don’t have a guy in my life–because I am too young to be scared of dying alone, and too young to be wasting my time constantly needing to be validated by my relationship status.

Crushes

So Jefferson. He’s 27. He’s in the army. He’s cute. But…

He’s extremely entitled… like, if I cancel plans because of any reason he’ll hold a tiny grudge and be a little pissy. Let me tell you, I’ve had guys cancel plans on me many times and if I get pissy or disappointed I feel stupid for being so excited about our plans in the first place AND I get called crazy.

Arbys and Amy

Like, what crap is that? So I just don’t feel bad about canceling plans when he get’s all whiney. But there are good things about him too. He’s serious about wanting a relationship and not a FWB (which I don’t want at all, ever). He’s been pretty honest, I think, about his past love life which made it easy for me to be honest about mine (something that’s been difficult in the past because it’s such a double standard–guys get high five for having a past with women, and women get slut-shamed for it). But… he is constantly trying to get into my pants. Like in the middle of a Friends episode, at dinner, in his apartment parking lot. Which constantly puts me in the position of kissing him back and then going back to whatever we were doing (having a conversation, watching TV, eating). Then I’m accused of giving him “blue balls.”

standing your ground
And that doesn’t make me a tease or a prude. I makes me a woman with a spine.

So, I have to admit, that’s a MEGA turn off. Many of you would probably tell me to drop him immediately. But I’m not going to because he isn’t the first man ever to say that, and I doubt he’ll be the last. He’ll learn. Don’t get me wrong, I like kissing and other things–he’s a good looking guy, and I’m attracted to him. I have hormones and a sex drive just like everyone else but I don’t feel like I need to constantly give into it. At one point while hanging out I turned to him and said, “When the movie is over, can we just talk for a bit?” And we did. We talked for two hours and nothing else, it was great not just for me but for him too. I actually got to know more about him other than that he likes kissing me.

face to face

Now let’s talk a little bit about Caesar. We decided to go to my favorite French place in Kansas City and then to his favorite karaoke bar after dinner. We’ve been texting for a few weeks. Here’s what I know about him:
-He’s 28
-He’s divorced (was only married for two years before his wife left him)
-He used to live in Seattle (my favorite city of all time)
-He’s a damn good singer, and was accepted into Juilliard but couldn’t afford it
-He wants to teach music to kids
-He’s extremely tall, has brown hair and brown eyes, kind of a long nose
-He’s a good kisser
-He loves hockey and foot ball
-He loves cats, Meg Ryan movies and Boulevard beer

For dinner I ordered Trout Meuniere and a cocktail called Bee’s Knees (which has Greyling gin, honey and lemon), and he ordered the Chicken Confit and (I made a joke about  this cocktail) a Suffering Bastard (which has Four Roses bourbon, Boodles gin, lime and ginger). The joke was, “If this date doesn’t go well, you could always get the Suffering Bastard–it might help the fun factor and be poetic at the same time.” I mention the food and drinks for no other reason than I love that restaurant and I want it to survive desperately (it’s fairly new).

that food though
That food, though.

Now the actual date. Conversation wasn’t bad–my mind kept switching from “Good lord, he’s hot. I want to make out,” and “Wow, please tell me you’re just trying to impress me and you’re not actually that much of a douche.” The reason I say this is because when he was in his early 20s, he was in the Navy. Supposedly when he was on cruise he was on the same ship that Trasnformers was being filmed and he met Shia LaBeouf. Caesar determined almost immediately that Shia was a douche. I wasn’t there to meet Shia, and I’m also biased because I had a childhood crush on Shia, but a ten minute monologue about Shia being a jerk and Megan Fox being a stuck up princess is a bit lengthy, even for me.

I can’t be too hard on conversation–first date small talk can be pretty bland, especially since we’ve already been talking for a few weeks.

bad conversation

But all in all, I had a good time during the dinner part, even if he established we liked each other without actually having me confirm it. “Thanks for making that decision without me,” even if it was a little true. Maybe two-cocktails-in-Brooke doesn’t have that great of a pokerface. Then we went to the karaoke bar…

–Dear heavens, hold on. I can’t hear myself think. My roommates and the friends of my roommates are apparently having a contest to see who can talk/scream or laugh/cackle the loudest.–

He sang Michael Buble`’s Feeling Good, Muse’s Madness and Weezer’s Island in the Sun. After completely crushing Muse’s Madness I decided I’d better stop after two Boulevard wheats because he was becoming much too attractive and I had to drive home. Yay me for expressing some self restraint.

celebrate

Let’s talk about modern-day dating codes. Since when does “Hey do you want to come over an watch a movie?” translate to “Hey do you want to come over and make out?” Literally every time I go to a guys’ place or they come over to mine to watch a movie, 15-45 minutes in the guy always starts trying to make out. I’m always like, “Whoa, what’re you doing? I just want to finish watching The Graduate. Look at what Dustin Hoffman is doing!”

The moment a guy actually gets through an entire movie without trying to taste my tonsils will be the same moment I take him seriously.

ten years

I brought this up with Caesar, and I think he might have been BSing me but he said,
“Tinder guys need to get a clue and realize women don’t like that,”
To which I responded: “No, this isn’t just guys on Tinder. This is every guy, ever.”
Caesar: “You’re kidding! Every time?”
Me, laughing: “Yes! Every time! I just want to watch the movie! Don’t get me excited with a movie and disappoint me with trying to make out. If you want to make out, say THAT.” Then I continued, “Plus, if we’re watching a movie, and I decide I want to kiss you, I will do the initiating.”
Caesar: “You always want to do the initiating?” Code: “So I shouldn’t try to kiss you right now?”
Me: “I mean, not always. If you want to go for it, by all means.” Code: “Absolutely go for it.”

And then he kissed me.

Caesar, shaking his head: “Holy crap.”
Well said, Caesar, well said. But before I get too far ahead of myself…

attracted to pie

Now, maybe you’re asking, “How do you get these guys to like you? Or be interested? Or… anything?” Here’s a tip: You do not have to be thin or a supermodel in order for guys to be attracted to or interested in you. How do I know this? I know this because I’ve thought I had to be a model and I’ve done things I didn’t want to do before–and I’ve learned from both of those mistakes. Whatever guy you’re with or trying to impress is lucky to have a woman interested in him at all if he’s going to make you feel like you need to be a model or give him sexual favors.

youre pretty

Also, I fixed our dishwasher today. I just had to flip the circuit breaker in order to make it turn on. It was a little funny watching my roommates scratch their heads and prod it.

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