To hell, to stars, to bed and back

Needless to say it has been one hell of a six months. Yes, yes I’ve taken a hiatus from the blog and for good reason. 

Honestly, a lot of bad shit happened to me this year. I know I don’t normally swear, but when I say bad shit, I mean bad shit. For starters I was asked to leave my first real big girl job in February. That sucked. Big time. I spent months just trying to feel better about this–I felt like an absolute failure in every aspect. Getting over that trauma, the trauma I put myself through over losing that crappy job, took about three months. 

In March my best friend here, my insanely close friend, turned into my worst friend. It was, and kind of still is, a cluster. Before I said she broke it all by herself. She didn’t. I broke it too. It was how I handled it after that broke it even more. I called myself an adult for handling it the way I did, but I was mean in a different way. I put my anger on a higher tier than our friendship. 

It’s taken me six months to grieve for this lost friendship, and that was hard. I always thought forgiveness came easily to me, but this time it was hard. I had to forgive her, and myself for making such a mess. I was so mad at her and so confused about what happened. I’m still confused about what happened. 

But today, even though I was terrified, I got in touch with her. I miss her more than I care to be angry with her. We are still broken, but the jury is still out on whether the breakage is permanent. I have hope. 

The next thing is what’s going on back home. My visit with my parents a month ago was terrible to say the least. We fought. I was told that I’m the knife that divides my family. Every time I think I want to call my dad, that statement comes back to me and I stop dialing. I’m still mad and hurt. But time heals wounds or whatever, so we’ll see. 

My gut feeling was so bad two weeks ago. But I think now that most things are at peace, the twisty -awful  gut feeling is gone. I hope I’ll be able to sleep tonight. I hope my best friend will still be my best friend eventually, and I hope the rest of 2017 stays at peace. 

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